And How Does That Make You Feel?
by Nara Katie
Summary: Ino, your typical teenager, but is anorexic and cuts herself. Her parents finally make the decision to send her to a therapist, but does it really make her life better? Or just makes it that much worse? R&R Kakashi/Ino/Sasuke
1. The Rapist

_Hello readers! I missed you!_

_It's been a while (**2 years**) since I've written a fanfiction, and I think I should pick up the old habit... Gosh, this website's changed a bit._

_I'm going to lay a few things straight before you start reading..........._

_I rarely edit my stories, typos will happen, **frequently**. My sentence structure is suck-ish, but I don't care. I'm not top-quality here._

_All my characters are OOC... I know!_

_Also, I have a life, and summer homework (yuck!), so if I don't update ASAP, don't worry, I have not abandoned the story. I never leave one unfinished... _

_Finally, I don't plan my stories, I have a slight idea and I run with it, most of the time, I never take the path I originally set foot on, so if the story is choppy that is why. _

_Thank you! And please enjoy the story._

_**Don't forget to REVIEW. Love you!**_

_P.S. Here's your one & only disclaimer for this story: I don't own Naruto, so stick that in your juice box and suck it._

**Rated M for language, sexual content****, and violence****.**

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Chapter 1: The Rapist

I glared grumpily at my therapist. The rapist. Raping my soul of any dignity it had, that's what he was doing. Trying to strip my thoughts and tie them down into his petty little notebook. What was he accomplishing? Making me just like everyone else? I didn't want to be like those faggots. I didn't want to fit in, or act like a total asshole to impress everyone. I just wanted to continue my uneventful life in the manner I had before my parents sent me to this creep every Thursday at 5:30 PM. They were wasting their money on a load of bullshit, and I guess there was no way, their mentally unstable child, could convince them to keep their money in their pockets and buy something useful with it... Nooo, they just had to spend it on an hour of nonsense, and they weren't even the ones enjoying it! Hah. Maybe they're the ones who should be in here on 'How to spend your money wisely' rather than myself who is in here because I cut myself once or twice... Or a couple hundred times...

So what?

* * *

"How'd you like to spend your Thursdays with a sixty-year-old man who asks you a bunch of personal questions? It's only been two weeks, but I'm already going crazy! Now I can't enjoy my weeks, halfway through I'm finding myself going, 'Ah fuck! Got to go see the rapist!' ya'know what I mean?"

"Ino, at least you're parents didn't send you to a looney-bin, especially when you collapsed from not eating, remember? I'm surprised they haven't done something sooner, and I know, I'm suppose to be your friend and support you, but I think I agree, your cutting has gotten out of hand and you _need _to see somebody."

Sakura always made me want to barf. Day one, I swear I almost threw up all over her big fat ugly forehead, and now she was acting like my parents. _You need this, you're out of hand. _Yeah right. "Shut up billboard brow, I didn't ask you wether you agreed, or if you think I should be going. I just think the man's creepy."

"Okay Ino," Sakura grabbed a plastic wrapped sandwich, chocolate milk, and a bag of chips, "but seriously, eat lunch today... You're starting to look a little sick."

"Sick with disgust at my rapist," I retorted grabbing some fruit snacks just to make her shut up.

"Ino, fruit snacks isn't going to be enough for lunch," Sakura finally spoke again once we were seating at a table with a few other peers.

"Oh shut up billboard, I'm eating, isn't that satisfying enough for you?" I shoved a couple of the fruit snacks into my mouth and chewed, showing the mush upon my tongue to the pink haired girl before swallowing.

"Keep it in your mouth... I'm satisfied enough, 'kay?"

I hated high school for a few reasons. First of all, it reeked of puberty and horny teenage boys who jack off to the mere thought of you and what your naked body must look like in the bathroom during break. Also, I hated lunch... The time when we had a whole hour to dick around and eat our food. This is when I practically _had_ to be social... Because if I didn't open my mouth, everyone assumed I was going to go home that night and kill myself, so they panic and tell a teacher... Which got me into the whole rapist mess anyways.

I was glad when the bell finally rang. Leaving my garbage, which still contained half my fruit snacks on the table I made my way past the crowded hallway and into my class. The last class of the day, for me anyways who had the last period off, thank God.

I sat down in my assigned seat, which I thought was a concept that was supposed to be abandoned in middle school, but clearly didn't want to go. I dug in my bag for a pencil and when I popped my head back up, a familiar face was close to mine.

His arms seemed stressed at the pressure his hands applied to my desk. With a small smirk he whispered, "So you coming tonight? There's going be some booze.."

"Of course, Sasuke, why wouldn't I?" I smiled and hushed my voice a little, "Sakura's not invited, is she?"

He scoffed a little, "After last time? You kidding? No way."

* * *

Typical lie. I told them I was staying with Sakura for the weekend. Possibly go to school with her on Monday, my parents didn't call or anything, so I didn't have anything to worry about. I had done it over a dozen times.

Before entering the house, I stood on the sidewalk in front of his house. I watched silently as people slowly showed up and went inside. I smoothed out my short emerald dress before pushing some of my blond hair behind my ear and making my entrance into the big Uchiha home. I glanced around. No Sasuke.

I grabbed a cup of beer and downed it before climbing up the stairs. Smiling I pushed his bedroom door open and said, "How'd I know you'd be hiding from me?"

He stood up off his bed and replied dully, "I wasn't hiding, I was waiting..." Sasuke snaked an arm around my waist and the other hand rested on my cheek.

"Hmm, well, I think we should have a little fun before, should we? Join the party, dance a little... Drink some..." I peered at him and tilted my head a little, "It's not like you to jump right to the gun, this is unusual."

"Well, I know it's always been touchy feely," his hand fell from my cheek to my other cheek with a small squeeze, "we've played around a lot..."

I could feel my cheeks get pink as I muttered softly, "What are you getting at?"

"Well, Ino, I want to do more than just feel each other up. I want to do more than foreplay... I want the foreplay to actually be foreplay, instead of just play, ya'know what I mean?" Sasuke's hand slipped under my dress and he pulled my panties down to my knees.

"Sasuke... Maybe we should go join the party first." I gulped a little, I did want to have sex with Sasuke, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to fuck him right that second. It was actually kind of surprising that he hadn't asked before... I guess he was satisfied until now.

"Oh come on... We'll be quick and then join the party," he pressed his thin lips against my neck and muttered, "Ino, you can't make me wait..."

I pulled away and pulled up my panties, "After we go downstairs." I headed towards the door, but as I grabbed the doorknob I felt Sasuke's fingers around my arms and I was yanked onto the bed. "Sasuke!" I squealed, "Let me go!"

He whispered harshly, "You can't make me wait... Don't make this hard..." He went to pull my panties off, and I scurried off the bed. The movement wasn't very smooth and I hit the floor with a thud. With my panties around my ankles I kicked them off before pushing myself off the floor and towards the door.

Sasuke grabbed my long blond hair and with a forceful tug I was back on the ground, "Ino, you've never fought before, but I think I'll enjoy this much more than I would if you were going to give up willingly."

"Fuck, that hurt!"I screeched, "Let go!" But things seemed to blur as Sasuke pushed my onto my back against the hardwood floor. I didn't even notice his pants were already unzipped with his pride hanging out. I struggled and kicked, "I said we'll do it later, Sasuke! Let go!" He pushed my dress up over my hips and I suddenly felt helpless against his strength. I never realized how weak I was compared to the boy, I never noticed how easy this would be for... Anyone... After all I was underweight, fragile, fatigue, I didn't take care of myself in the least, and I was paying for it now... But I doubted I'd be much stronger anyway, but just the thought that I could be defending myself a little more made me wish I would have listened to Sakura every day.

I tried to block out my thoughts, it was the only way... I closed my eyes when forced himself upon me. I muttered almost silently, "It'll be over soon..." And I realized how badly I didn't want to have sex, how unprepared I was for it. I didn't want to be this intimate with Sasuke, I didn't want to give it all up right now... But there was no way I'd get away. Sasuke would take what he wanted regardless of what I said or did.

I couldn't clear my mind, all I could think was how bad it hurt with each thrust, how it seemed like he was stretching me out, and tearing me to pieces. I screamed loudly, "It hurts! It hurts! Get off me! Get off! Sasuke fuck you! Fuck you!"

He cupped my mouth and I bit him, but he seemed to ignore the pain as he continued to roughly thrust. "Ino," he whispered, "if you just loosen up a little it won't hurt so much... You're just tense..."

I glared at him like he was crazy, I mumbled against his hand, but he didn't release my mouth. With a satisfied smirk, he filled me with his warm juice, and pushed him away. Stumbling to my feet I pulled my dress down, one detail I had notice as I wiped some sweat off my face was I had been crying. My arms were red from Sasuke's force, and my private area throbbed with pain, and my thighs were soiled with liquid.

He zipped up is pants and grabbed my panties off the floor. Shoving them into my arms he said, "I'll see you downstairs." With a quick kiss, he left the room, and I stood there with wobbly knees as I stared down at the flowered printed panties in my fingers. As I slipped them on, I suddenly started to sob.

I ran into Sasuke's bathroom and slammed the door before locking it. Sliding down onto the cold tile I curled up into a ball and balled my eyes out. I could feel streaks of mascara and eyeliner upon my cheeks, and after what felt like hours I regained some strength to face myself in the mirror. I opened a drawer and pulled out a rag, running the water I shoved the cloth into the sink and then against my face. I dried my ruined face and coughed. I had to get out of here... I didn't want to be here anymore... Could I go home? Would my parents ask me what was wrong?

I had to think, I had to go somewhere other than here... I hurried myself out of the house and took the bus to Sakura's house. God, was I really going to go to her? I stumbled up her steps, and I tried to wipe the horror off my face as I knocked.

Her father answered the door and let me in, with a curious look he said, "Sakura's upstairs..."

I hurried up the stairs and into her room, "Hey billboard, I'm crashing here for the night..."

"Ino!" She rushed to me, dropping everything she was doing and cupped my face, "Oh God, Ino, what happened?"

* * *

_Please write a review or something, I know you're capable, you don't even have to log in..._

_Just do it guys!_

_Love,_

_Nara Katie _

_(Back from the dead)_


	2. Session 1

**And How Does That Make You Feel?**

**Rated M for language, sexual content****, and violence****.**

* * *

Chapter 2: Session 1

Sakura was like the_ Never Ending Story,_ except she was the _Never Ending Questioning_. What happened? Who did this? Aren't you going to talk? Ino? Ino? Hello? Tell me what happened! I ignored every bit of it... I was off in my thoughts, my stomach rotting out... I'd wish I'd just crumple up and die already.

"Ino?"

"Hmm?" I was sitting on her bed, in one of her tank tops, zip-up sweater, and shorts.

"You haven't told me anything, and you've been here long enough to shower, change, and watch two episodes of That 70's Show."

"It was nothing, I was just at a party, I bumped into another girl who was a little too aggressive and drunk... It wasn't a big deal... I just wanted to come over rather than spend my time fighting someone with half a brain, ya'know?" I turned the channel, Sakura didn't seem too impressed by _That 70's Show _so I turned on The N, or whatever it is, something I was sure she'd enjoy more.

"I'm not stupid Ino," suddenly she grabbed my arms, pulled away the sleeves, and turned them over, "Shit," she was staring at the new cuts I had just made with a disposable razor I had found in the bathroom, "do you want to spend the rest of your life in therapy? Next thing you know, they're going to send you to a psychiatric ward, and they deal a lot more with people like you."

People like me? What an insult that sounded like. What did she think I was? Insane. I obviously wasn't crazy, just a bit depressed, was there something wrong with that? And as for being 'anorexic', I didn't have a eating disorder, it was simply dieting... In a weird way. "Oh shut up, it's three little cuts, don't worry about it. I wasn't trying to kill myself or anything..." No matter how badly I wanted to, I could never bring myself to it. My cuts were more like a reliever, something to get my mind of the events in my life. I could focus on the pain rather than the sick feeling in my stomach, the throbbing in my head... I could just stare at that cut, poke at it, twist it like an Indian burn, and it felt so much better than rotting from the inside out.

"You make it sound like I belong in a mental institution." I pushed the sweater back over my cuts and stared blankly at the TV, "You're always making it sound like there's something the matter with me..."

"Ino! Are you blind? Look at what you're doing! You starve yourself, you cut yourself, you go to parties and God know what happens there," Sakura shut the TV off and stood in front of it. "You're in such denial, you'll never admit what you do is wrong! You'll sit on your ass and cut yourself whenever you're upset, you'll stop eating as soon as you see anything covering your bones, you go and party just because Sasuke wants you to go so he can fuck you. God Ino! How many times have you fucked him and you're not even dating? How long have you been sex buddies? 3 months now? And everyone knows, everyone talks about it, they know what you do when you go upstairs in his room! So tell me Ino, are you fine? Are you really not mentally unstable?"

I shut my eyes midway through her rant, I let my hair fall down over my face as I turned my face down towards my lap. I held my tears back, and I could feel my breath in my throat. I had to breath, but breathing meant crying, and crying meant more of Sakura's bullshit. She didn't even know what was going on, the whole school had no idea we weren't having sex... They were wrong! I never wanted to have sex, I just wanted to feel loved... I just wanted someone to hold me, touch me, tell me I'm amazing. She doesn't even know he raped me, she doesn't know what she's saying... How bad it hurts...

"Ino! You're destroying yourself and your body!"

My throat burned, I had to breath... I let out a low, "Shut up! Sakura! Shut the fuck up!" I sobbed out, "You don't know anything about me!" I covered my face with my hands and rocked back and forth as I cried into the sleeves. Sakura stopped talking, I could feel her eyes on me for a long time. I felt her body weight shift and then I hard the door shut and I knew she had left the room.

She returned only moments later and asked, "Are you done acting like a child?"

I rubbed the tears away from eyes, "I thought you'd be a little nicer, but you just keep getting meaner..." I didn't look up, I stared at my lap, I clenched my fists and whispered, "I never fucked Sasuke, don't go around telling people that... Stop spreading sick rumors about me... You're the reason why everyone things I'm a suicidal slut, but I'm not. I've never had sex with Sasuke! I've never tried to kill myself!"

Sakura whispered, "Well, stop acting like it then."

"Acting?"

"Yes, if you're not doing those things, then you're pretending to get attention," she replied stepping closer.

"I'm not acting..." I felt her arms around my shoulders, and suddenly she slid my sweater off. The bruises on my arm were forming, and she examined them before I pulled the fabric back over my shoulders.

"You didn't get into a fight..." Sakura backed away, "Ino, he didn't?" I looked up, and Sakura's mouth hung open, her eyes wide, "Oh my God, Ino, why didn't you tell me?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked looking away.

"Those bruises... He grabbed you, he must've held you down..."

"Nothing happened with him!"

"Ino, Sasuke raped you, didn't he?"

"He didn't do anything!" I stood up, "Stop asking questions! I don't want to talk about anything, I just wanted to clear my head, get some rest! You're making everything worse... I want to go to bed now."

"Okay... I'm sorry... I didn't mean everything I said..." Sakura's green eyes were filled with hurt as she allowed me to crawl into her bed, and she crawled in about ten minutes later and hugged me as we both fell asleep silently in each others arms.

* * *

I didn't like to call him 'the rapist' anymore, it made me feel terrible for even calling him that in the first place... When I showed up for my appointment next week, my parents hadn't told me the clinic had called them two days before with some news I probably should have been told about. The nurse led me to the room, but it wasn't the same room... It was a new therapist, and I became rather confused.

"What happened to Dr. Yamamoto?" I asked quietly before reached the door with a sign that read _Hatake Kakashi_, "Why am I being brought to another room?"

"Oh... You didn't hear did you? We called your parents on Tuesday... After it happened..." She fell silent for a moment and backed away from the door and pulled me aside. "Your therapist, Dr. Yamamoto had a heart attack on Monday and died... So, we have to let you see someone, but we promise Dr. Hatake is very kind."

I nodded a little, feeling actually relieved, since my other therapist scared me a little. I wasn't happy he _died, _but I was happy I was seeing someone new. She knocked on Dr. Hatake's door and a simple, "Come in" was heard before she pushed the door open, let me in and left.

As I sat in a chair I stared at my new therapist who was much younger than my last one. Thirty at that oldest. He did have silvery hair, and I assumer he either dyed it, or grayed early. I remember my mom had told me about how my grandma grayed when she was only sixteen, and the thought scared me until I turned sixteen and all my blond hair was, well, still blond... But it didn't ease my worry of graying in a few years to come... But at least I wasn't a seventeen year old with old granny hair at the moment.

"Ino Yamanaka... Would you like me to call you Ino, or Miss Yamanaka?" His voice was smooth like honey, opposed to my last therapist who had a stern voice.

I whispered lightly, "Ino is fine..." I folded my hands in my lap and stared at them before asking, "Would you like my to call you Dr. Hatake?"

"Well, I'm hoping we could maybe step away from being so professional, since I am going to be prying into you personal life, unless being professional makes you more comfortable..." He opened up a folder and spread it out on his desk. Clicking a pen, he jotted down something.

"You're already writing something down? What did you get out of that?" I stared at the pen, feeling slightly judged.

"I just wrote down, _Session 3, Yamanaka Ino, Session 1 with new therapist: Hataka Kakashi,_" he held out the paper, "if you want to see it, you can."

I shook my head, "I believe you..." I was a little timid, but I wasn't as tense as I had been with the other therapist.

He set the paper neatly down in his folder and set his pen down, "So where should we begin..." Dr. Hatake seemed to know some things about me. I was sure he probably read Dr. Yamamoto's notes, and I could only guess what they said.

"I don't know, aren't you the therapist?" I shifted in my seat a little. My eyes found themselves fixed upon the angles of his face. I then looked away quickly.

"I didn't mean that as a serious question... It was more to myself..." He leaned back in his chair, "First of all, tell me about yourself."

"What do you want to know?"

"Why you're here," he seemed to fumble over his thoughts and reworded his question, "tell me why you think you're here..."

"Oh." I stared down at my hands again, "Why I'm here... Well, I've thought about that a lot lately. I'm here because my parents made me come here, but why they sent me here is because they don't understand what I'm going through. They see my, _habits, _as something bad, something that needs to be taken care of. I guess they think I need to be... _Fixed._"

"Do you see you habits as bad ones? Do _you _think you need to be fixed?" He scribbled a few notes down, but this time I didn't question it.

"I don't see anything wrong with them..." I let out a soft sigh, "I don't think I'm suicidal, I don't think my cutting is bad... I never cut myself because I wanted to die, and not eating, I'm not doing it all the time. I only do it when I need to lose a little weight, that's all."

"Well, may I see your wrists? Or do you cut yourself somewhere else?" His coal black eyes averted to my arms, but quickly away, and I knew he didn't want to impose, but I nodded and pulled my jacket off. I stuck my arm out, and he stood up. Walking around his desk he gently grabbed my arm, but I forgot about the bruises. After he examined the cuts, I knew he had seen more than just the cuts. "These are recent, both your cuts and bruises... They look about a week old."

I closed my eyes, "I'm guessing you want to--"

"No, you don't have to tell me right away, after all, it's only our first session." He moved over to his desk and ran his fingers through his hair, "I want you to be comfortable."

I needed to tell someone, someone other than Sakura... And I wasn't sure who she had told, since I skipped school all week. I told my parents I wasn't feeling good. I whispered, "I want to tell you... I need to tell you..." I peered up at him, and I hadn't noticed he was writing again.

"Take your time," he responded sitting back down.

I hesitated. I didn't know if I could tell him. It wasn't something I wanted to share, but it was something I wanted off my chest. I crossed my legs and leaned forward, "I'm not going to explain anything... I just have to tell someone..." My eyes were already full. I could feel the heavy tears wanting to fall, I took a deep breath as one rolled down my cheek, "I was at a party... And a guy... I didn't want to, but he... Just did it... And I could get him off me, he wouldn't let me go..." I pulled my sweater up to my face and hid it in the fabric as I cried softly. I knew he knew what I meant.

I continued to cry for a few minutes. I couldn't hold it in, I felt so weak... I felt like I couldn't defend myself, I did everything I could, but I still couldn't get away. I suddenly raised my head and worriedly I whispered, "Don't tell my parents..."

"It's all confidential," he replied softly, "but I do have some cards here, if you want to take them.." He pulled a drawer open and shuffled through a few cards, "If you need some help, or want to talk to them about it... Here." He handed me some cards that had some sexual assault bullshit on it, but I took them and shoved them in my pocket. I wasn't going to go, I didn't need that. Just more people poking at my life.

"Thanks..." I brushed my tears away and chocked, "we should probably continue our.. session."

* * *

I stared at my bag, I didn't want to go, but I had skipped a whole week of school, and I knew I was behind. I looked around the room before snatching up my bag and leaving the house. I closed my eyes once I was outside and I felt the brisk air on my cheeks. I opened my eyes and started my walk to school.

When I found myself in front of the building I muttered, "It'll be okay... Just think about what Dr. Hatake said..." "_I'm not exactly pro at this.. yet... You are only my fourth client, but what I can say is, you're a very strong girl. Don't get discouraged, keep your chin up, and make sure whenever you're around this boy, if you are ever again, that you have at least twofriends, you understand?"_

His words weren't much, and I didn't think he was the best at his job, but something about him reassured me. He made me feel more confident... And I felt like he was listening and relating rather than poking at me, jabbing at me, asking me things like "And how does that make you feel?".

* * *

_Please write a review or something, I know you're capable, you don't even have to log in..._

_Just do it guys!_

_Love,_

_Nara Katie_


	3. Sticky Situation

**And How Does That Make You Feel?**

**Rated M for language, sexual content****, and violence****.**

* * *

Chapter 3: Sticky Situation

I entered my first class and sat down without looking at anyone in the room. I could feel quite a few eyes on me and I swear I heard someone whisper, "I was sure she had killed herself." This made me panic a little. Did people really think I had gone off and committed suicide? Was it really rumored that badly that I was suicidal? What happened to the days where I was the beautiful girl every guy wanted to ask out? What happened to me?

I knew very well it was my fault people thought the way they did, they had a reason to. One, I fainted in the middle of class due to lack of food, and two I had been cutting for over a year now.. It was no secret. People had seen, people had heard...

As the bell rang I looked up slightly, people were staring at me, and once they saw I had moved they all turned their attention towards the teacher. I knew a million questions would be asked when there was a chance. I took in a deep breath as class began, and couldn't focus on the lecture at all. I dazed off, scribbled in my notebook, almost fell asleep, anything but listen. I just couldn't take anything in. I was clueless, lost, I hadn't been there for a week, and it felt like I hadn't been there for a month I was so lost.

When class ended and I made my way to the teacher and avoided any conversations with my peers. I hesitated, "May I get last weeks homework?"

The teacher glanced at me, took out a folder and said, "All the assignments from last week are in this folder, I understand your situation is a little rough, Miss Yamanaka, but I expect all the work to be done by next Tuesday, you understand? That gives you all week, the weekend, and Monday to finish, I'm sure you have just as much work in all your other classes, but I can't give you forever... You need to catch up." I nodded, snatched up the folder, and fled to my next class.

I heard voices in the hall, and I could help but think they were all about me. I swore I heard my name a million times. I was paranoid, I kept my head down, and suddenly, I had run into someone. My folder and books went flying, the other person's possessions had gone flying as well. I looked up and then I couldn't move.

"S-Sasuke..."

"So, Ino, you've come back to school... I wasn't sure if you had dropped out," He started to scoop up my things, "I wanted to apologize for the other night," he handed me a few books, "I wanted to say, I had a little too much to drink before you showed up, you were making me wait so long... I didn't know if you'd come, and when you did, I was so happy to see you I couldn't control myself... And I couldn't help but feel terrible when I realized you were gone.." He had finished handing me my belonging and started to pick up his own.

"Sasuke..." I couldn't find any words... I didn't know what to say... I didn't know what to do.

"What I'm asking Ino, is if we could just pretend that night never happened... Let's just erase it, let's start over... This time though, I'd like for you to be my girlfriend," He leaned in and whispered in my ear, "and if you don't agree, my dear Ino, we'll see just how sorry I am if I end up doing what I did again."

I nodded slightly and said hurriedly, "I've got to get to my next class," Fuck. I just had to run into Sasuke, I just had to be submissive enough to just stand there and let him tell me what's going down. I took in a deep breath and practically ran to my next class before Sasuke could say another word.

Now I dreaded lunch even more than usual, I just knew Sasuke would find me, and I knew he'd do something to announce what he would claimed was his and no one else's. I wish I could curl up and never come to school ever again... But there was something I suddenly had to look forward to, and that was my counseling. I'd rather be in that room with Dr. Hatake than anywhere else right now. He had a soothing kind of talk, he was unsure of the situation, but that made me more comfortable. I didn't feel any less than him, and I liked that. I felt like a normal person. Normal...

* * *

I left school after third period. I ended up throwing up, and was _sent _home. Sitting on my bed, I didn't feel sick at all... But I was glad to get away from the school. Of course, the office had all my homework sent to me incase I was 'sick' again. I sat on my bed and stared around at the purple painted walls. I sighed lightly before standing up and grabbing a coat. I headed outside and took a short walk, since my parents weren't home the house was boring... And I wasn't hung up over the party much, I was feeling a whole lot better... But now I had to deal with Sasuke thinking he could force me to be him boyfriend after forcing me to have sex. I shuddered as I remember the last thing he said in the hallway. W_e'll see just how sorry I am if I end up doing what I did again.

* * *

_

"So, you're telling me that the guy who raped you is now your boyfriend?"

I nodded slightly and avoided Sakura's glance.

"Are you insane?" She finished scooping out her ice cream and faced me with the scooper still in hand, "You're just asking to be a toy, aren't you?" The pink haired girl rolled her eyes as she dropped the scooper in the sink and grabbed her bowl while I snatched the carton and a spoon.

"Oh, it won't be that bad, will it?" I stuck my spoon into the carton and then into my mouth. We made our way up her stairs and into her room. All the way her telling me how this was a terrible idea.

"Well, Sasuke says he's sorry... It's not like I can't forgive him right? It was once.. He says it was a mistake, he feels terrible... He just wanted something so badly he couldn't control it... I mean, it's not like he's heartless..." I knew I shouldn't be holding up his side, but it couldn't be that bad. Maybe a relationship would work, we knew enough about each other.

"I still think it's not the best idea, I mean he's not the best boyfriend material. He's controlling, rough, he's manipulative."

"But he's not heartless," I whispered almost to myself, "he's not going to do it again." I sat down on her bed and looked into the carton of ice cream before I heard Sakura sigh and push her back against the wall. I looked up into her concerned green eyes and saw how worried she was about this whole situation, and I knew she had been worried when I first started to cut myself, ut I had never seen her like this.

"Okay, Ino, if you insist, but don't tell me I told you so when this all crumbles and you can't get out of this mess." She bit her lip lightly and pushed the skin between her teeth around a little before she asked, "You have therapy tomorrow, right?" I nodded. "Talk to your therapist about it tomorrow.."

I gave her an odd look before responding, "Why should I talk to him about it?"

"Because he'll know better than I do, and if he thinks it's alright, then it's alright, but if he tells you to get out of this relationship, you get out. That's what therapist are for, they help you with your inner most personal problems and they tell you the _best _thing to do about it." Her body shifted off the wall and she took a bite of her ice cream, "Believe me, if he says you shouldn't date Sasuke, then you find anyway not to," she leaned towards me, "Ino, I know how he is, and I know you practically have no say in the matter... Which is why I'm confused about you defending him, but the therapist will tell you the best way to get out of it.. Alright?"

* * *

"Wait, hold up," the smooth voice had a hint of confusion, "you're saying this boyfriend of yours is the same boy who raped you two weeks ago?" The silver hair was a bit unruly and his coal clack eyes seemed to be searching for something, in particular; an answer.

I looked down at my lap and whispered, "Who am I kidding?" I knew he couldn't hear me, so when he asked me to repeat myself I looked up and blurted, "I don't know what to do, he told me he was sorry, he said if I didn't agree next time he wouldn't be sorry... I just don't want him to do it again, I'll do anything to never relive something like that."

"Well, it wasn't the best thing to just give in... If you're really worried about this guy, then you need to go to the police. Tell them what happened, tell them he's threatening you, they'll know exactly how to handle the situation... You don't have to face the world alone Ino, every bump isn't intended to be handled yourself, sometimes you need to ask for help, that's why we're here isn't it? You can't make all these decisions on your own, you need second opinions and helping hands..." He seemed stressed out about something, and the man clicked his pen a few times before going to write something down. Maybe he was upset he got stuck with a difficult patient like me. Maybe he was mad that the other therapist died and now he was handling something way over his head. He had told me he was new, just got his degree, wasn't really aware of how to go about everything, but he was bound to get hard cases in the future, so why not start now?

I choked a little, "Do you want my parents to request a new therapist?"

He gave me a weird look before shaking his head, "No, why would you ask that?"

"You seem to be stressed out over me... I don't want to stress you out, I can stress someone else out, Dr. Hatake, I don't want to burden you... Especially since you're new."

"You're not stressing me out, let's talk about something else." He shuffled his papers a little before asking, "Are you making any attempts to stop cutting?"

"I haven't really done anything lately... I mean, I have no desire to quit, but I have no desire to do it either. I guess I just stopped caring about a lot of things."

* * *

I apologize for the wait & the short chapter... It also kind of sucks.  
Anyways, my life is being kind of retarded, and I have a lot to tend to.. So expect to be waiting again, but this time (hopefully) the chapter will be longer (and better), take care!

_I like reviews *hint hint*_

_  
Nara Katie_


	4. A Funny Kind of Feeling

**And How Does That Make You Feel?**

**Rated M for language, sexual content****, and violence****.**

* * *

Chapter 4: A Funny Kind of Feeling

I didn't feel like I was in therapy anymore. I felt like I was in a place, where my thoughts were _accepted_. Mr. Hatake had given me resources to make my own decisions, tools, advice, but never did he demand, or set rules. And, if he did set rules, they were for my protection, and I could tell he was concerned, and I knew he _wanted _to help me.

I merely gained the courage to stand up to Sasuke. I told him that if he fucked with me again, the police would get involved, and since that moment, I have not seen the boy. I then got motivated to catch up in school, and I participated in class. With this little effort, I knew I could save my GPA by the time I graduated. Even though I don't think I'll attend college, a good GPA will help me get a decent job. I just need something to sustain myself. I don't want more than that. My parents didn't understand this, but they didn't have to.

Weeks passed, and I attended the sessions with Mr. Hatake religiously. My parents didn't even worry about taking me anymore, I made a point of being there no matter what. This made my parents really happy, but not for reasons I would be happy about. They thought that me talking to Mr. Hatake should somehow _change _me. Make me a better person. In reality, Mr. Hatake was helping me find myself. He wasn't pushing me into a corner of the house to be stared at and judged, he was planting me in the middle of a meadow, somewhere my roots could grow, he was letting me sprout with enough room to stretch. He made me question myself, and I liked it. He made me wonder if the things I did were in _my _best intentions.

At night though, I would toss and turn, wishing that I had kicked Sasuke where it hurt, wishing that I had prevented him from taking my sex, so I could have given it to someone who understood me... Like Mr. Hatake... My loins would burn thinking his name... _Kakashi. _I made a point to remember his first name... Why? I would close my eyes, and see his face, and he would linger. He still does... Only, I don't have to think about his name, or his face... I just feel his being, pressing against mine, and my imagination did me enough justice to keep on lying to myself.

Every time we sat together, talking about my problems, I would ask him a little bit about his personal life. He always hesitated to answer, but I saw him change his mind, and he would share just enough information to get the point across. He was experienced, but he didn't want to ruin my experiences... I could feel it from him... But, I wanted to know his experiences, what had made him so accepting?

Then, one day...

"Ino, I'm very comfortable with you, but it's starting to get almost unprofessional. These sessions are geared toward you, and helping you. Although, I love the conversation we have, I have to tell you that you cannot ask me anymore questions..." He handed me a slip of paper as he said this, and smiled, "We don't want to risk my job..."

"I understand, I'm sorry... You should have said something sooner." I played with the folded paper through the rest of the session, but I would not look at it. I could not look at it. I had a feeling, and I was sure I knew what it was. I just didn't want to make the session awkward. I talked about how I had finally quit cutting. The desire had disappeared, school was good, Sakura was less annoying, Sasuke was non-existent. Things seemed to be going so well, but I still felt like something was missing. I felt like there was something still pressing on my brain... Or maybe I just didn't want to lose the one thing giving me motivation.

I worried my parents would pull me out of therapy soon. I was mighty expensive, and I didn't have anymore excuses... Except for Sasuke... And Sasuke wasn't much of a problem anymore. It was just hard to let him go. He had taken a part of me. A part I wanted to share... A part I was willing to give away, just not yet... He betrayed my trust, and I worried I would never truly trust again... Except Mr. Hatake... I could trust him... Right?

It felt like hours before I got home. I walked to therapy that day. And now I was in my room, sitting on my bed... Sitting in the same place I had when brushed my fingers against my thighs, before laying down and sleeping with thoughts of my therapist dancing in my head. It had almost been a routine, to the point that my left hand wavered between my thighs as I rubbed the folded paper open between my thumb, index, and middle fingers. I lifted my left hand, and helped my other hand get to the message inside.

I was holding my breath. I looked at the note. Scribbled, "Ino, if you need a friend, I am always willing to listen." and next to the note was a number. A phone number. I had expected this... But, he was even respectful even now, _if you need a friend_, he viewed me as a friend? Because he had to? Or because he wanted to? That was a question I wanted to ask, but for now, I didn't need to. Getting involved with an older man could be so much trouble, but I childishly needed him. I wanted more, but I wasn't ready to lose him... Wasn't ready to lose the only person who understood my language...

"Hatake Kakashi, speaking."

"Oh, uhm, Mr. Hatake?"

"Who is this?"

"It's Ino... I was wondering... If you wanted to listen?"

"Hold on," He wasn't gone long, "Okay, what is it, Ino?"

"I wanted to talk about you."

"What about me?"

"Anything..."

"I'm hardly interesting..."

"How can you say that? You're the most helpful person I have ever met. You encourage me to do what I need to do, no one has ever helped me with that. Everyone tells me _how _to live my life, whereas you tell me to figure it out myself."

"I'm glad you find me so insightful, but really Ino, you're the one who's so insightful..."

He had never complimented me in such a soothing, loose, and free voice. It sounded as if he didn't care who heard him talking, sounded as if he was reaching out to me, and it comforted me. "Mr. Hatake..." I could help it... I wanted to be patient, but I had to ask, "Why did you give me your number?"

"To see what you would do... And I'm glad you called..."

* * *

It had been awkward, and I regretted calling Mr. Hatake. I couldn't ignore the burning in between my thighs, it raged more than it had ever before. Just from hearing his voice outside of that little room... Just entering a realm that was... Well... Taboo... And I had talked in a big circling babble for a minute, trying to correct all the mistakes, and work out all the grammar, but English was never really my strong suit... And then, I said good-bye really fast and hung up. I couldn't help but beat myself up. I stressed over the incident, and almost called him back a dozen times, alright, more like fifty times, but I never kept count.

How unhealthy is this? How unhealthy am I?

And older man... _My _therapist, even. My... It felt wrong. He's not _my _therapist, he's a therapist I happen to be seeing... I had no right calling him mine. I found it hard to breath. Hard to sit still. It was hard to eat, sleep, or even do normal activities. I just pondered my actions, and hoped that I could justify calling him mine... But I could not think of any... I did this through the school week, and up until I showed up to therapy... Only... I didn't enter the building. I stood outside and stared at it._  
_

I felt destructive. I felt like a tsunami. I was a continuity of emotion waves caused by the dislocation of my entire being, an echo to myself, calling from a far off place, telling me to warn myself of the chaos I was about to create. I confused this feeling of destruction with the feeling of simply being uncomfortable after a silly phone call. Instead of facing the demon, and going for what I wanted. To _save _my relationship with Mr. Hatake, I turned around, and left the building behind. The background collapsing, while I don't look back... But I went back... To the wreckage in my mind, and I knew I had made a mistake.


	5. One Step Backward

**And How Does That Make You Feel?**

**Rated M for language, sexual content****, and violence****.**

* * *

**Chapter 5: One Step Backwards**

My parents were livid. I was grounded, forced to do homework, and the worst part was, I wanted to do my homework, I just didn't want to do it under the circumstances. I wanted to rebel, and I wanted to be respected, but I also understood I didn't have much ground to stand on.

The next week, they marched me to my session, and didn't leave until Mr. Hatake told them it was time for them to go.

"You didn't show up," he finally said.

"I tried." I crossed my arms, my mind was pumping a million thoughts per minute, and I couldn't find the correct thought to follow. I didn't have a real excuse. I just got cold feet. I didn't want this to be awkward, but it was. I didn't want to fail school, but I was. I didn't want to be here, feeling like I had failed.

"What stopped you?" Mr. Hatake sat back, pushed his notepad aside, and said softly, "I'm asking as your friend, right now."

I looked him in the face, and I saw nothing but kindness. It made me angry. He should be mad at me, right now. He should be disciplining me, instead he was offering his ear, and most likely his advice. He had a lure I was watching closely, but I wasn't ready to bite. I snapped, "I don't need you to offer your friendship."

"Are you afraid of trusting me? I don't blame you. Your trust has been broken before..." He frowned lightly, "I would never intentionally hurt you, Ino."

I took in a deep breath, "What do you know about me? Really?" I didn't give him any time to answer, "You know I'm vulnerable, you know I'm in a place where I can easily be caught of guard, you are taking advantage of me!"

"When have I ever taken advantage of you, Ino? Think about what you say..."

"I, I, I don't know!"

"What are you scared of?"

My thighs were moistened, and I was frustrated. I shook my thoughts for something tangible. I tried to bring out some hard evidence, but I did not want to tell him that the burning in my loins were torturing me on the daily. My mind was so occupied with sex. Even that word, _sex_, seemed taboo. Somehow I felt I had lost the privilege to enjoy sex. As if being raped took out any trust I could build on something new. My cheeks turned red, I could feel the heat. I looked down at my hands, and choked back tears.

"Ino, please... I don't want you to hurt..." His voice reached out, and comforted me like an arm around my shoulders. His words, and the empathy in them, held me up. Held me in multiple ways in my mind. I pictured skin, I saw the shape of my back arching into a body...

"I don't want to hurt either..." I cried softly, and the tears rolled freely, "I just don't know how to feel anymore..." I wondered if Mr. Hatake was lusting after me, and if his lusting was for some ulterior motive or if he cared.

He did not move from his seat, and he explained, "I would comfort you right now, Ino, but I can't. I want to hug you and make you feel better, but that is not my job... We have to remember my job here, Ino."

I nodded, "It's not just you, Mr. Hatake, it's my entire life... I don't know what to do..."

"Get through school..."

"Are you telling me?" I whispered, almost hopefully.

"I'm suggesting..."

"And I should listen to all your suggestions?" And, I _want _to listen to them. I want him to tell me what to do, and I wouldn't even mind if he was a _little_ forceful, as long as it was him... But, I'm not allowed to enjoy it, because it's forbidden. I was staring temptation right in the face, and a part of me wanted to embrace it for bringing me such a good feeling, or kill it for the torment brought upon me.

"No, I'm just here as an advisor..." He was bringing me to reality.

"So you would never suggest anything I couldn't say no to?" Don't rape me...

"Correct... But remember my job, Ino." Right.

I could not tell if he meant I have to make the first move, or if he was rejecting my feelings, but how was I to know without verbalizing it? I hadn't even tried hard enough to know how absurd my lusting really was, and this building was definitely the worst place to get into a conversation like that.

"I got grounded." I became obedient. I knew he had to separate the new world we had created, however small it may be. But... My body was still flustered, and I had flashes of skin running through my head. Wondering how it would work...

"Are you doing alright?"

"I guess, but, I'm not really sure how to feel about everything going on in my life. I'm expected to make all these decisions... Do all this work... Make an effort... And it's hard to prioritize." I looked out to his walls, and my eyes danced along the plain white texture.

"That's a very grown-up way of looking at your situation, Ino." His voice leaned in and kissed me. Gave me the biggest compliment I had ever received. _Grown-up_. I smiled. _  
_

"I can see what's important, but sometimes those thing just feel so unimportant instead... But, I never forget how important it is, and even when it's unimportant, I'm still thinking about it... I make it important, on purpose... But I've lost the drive." But, my sex drive was very active, and distracting. I felt like he had flipped a switch. His coal eyes had a sense of mystery, while his facial expressions gave him away, even when they were completely hidden under an imaginative mask.

Therapist... He's your therapist.

I bite my lip a little.

After a slow reaction, Mr. Hatake says softly, "That's a sign of depression, Ino." He seems dazed, and I felt confused. I wasn't upset about being depressed. In fact, it enlightened me a little bit. I never thought I could understand a flaw so deeply, and I wanted to understand _our_ flaw, together. Was the love I fantasized as wonderful as I wanted, or would my world come crashing down? I wanted to feel the rush either way. I wanted to understand this mistake, above all mistakes... Mr. Hatake was the one I wanted to make... Dangerous, but caring... At least it's his job to be caring, and I am a patient... Perfection. The idea was so perfect, how could it go wrong?

I knew it could go wrong, and that's what frustrated me so much. I wanted the perfection to be perfect, and I couldn't help but want something a little more. It was the only thing driving me anywhere, my loins were the only part of me that ran efficiently. And right now, I wanted to shut down this operation. The risks scared me. I wasn't sure if I was ready to make a bigger move.

"Depression..."

"I'm not saying you are depressed."

"I know, but it explains a lot."

"What makes you happy, Ino?"

_You. _"I'm not sure..."_  
_

"Find something that does, and stick with it. Just because it may be hard at first, doesn't mean you should give up, if it really makes you happy Ino."

"And if it doesn't make me happy?" I asked, but already knew the answer.

"Find something that does. Go back to square one if you have to." He jotted something down for the first time, and I didn't feel nervous when he did. I respected when he wrote something down, because I knew deep down, he really cares about me.

I nodded. That made a lot of sense... But all I could think was _fuck me, please. _I shook this thought, and scolded myself for being so eager to bend for this man. This most understanding man... It was as if, a bond with this man would solve all my problems. He was a key, and he could unlock my tortured soul from this ridiculous cage I felt around it... It held every thing in, I could feel the bars against my flesh, as if it was melting into my psyche and becoming a part of me.

"I understand."

* * *

After that session, I felt relieved spiritually, but sexually I was as frustrated as I could get. We talked about letting go, and from that, I think the demons I buried deep inside need to surface before I could rid myself of them. I've held on so tightly to all the negative, I forgot to embrace the positive as well. I need to understand though, that feeling of acceptance, fully... And Mr. Hatake was a cure for the itch, but he could never be a cure for the disease... Could he?

The fantasies tortured me, and I wanted to _know_. I needed to know. I want to feel his embrace, and mix our sweat in a passion that only we could accept... What if he can't accept it, though? If it becomes complicated, and awkward? Worst of all, what if I can't accept the very thing I want most?

And who's to say he even wants a physical relationship? Maybe he really does care about me, at a level I'm not ready to accept?

The phone was in my hand again, and this time, I asked him to meet me. My heart raced, and the anxiety consumed me. I got nervous, but grabbed my purse, and walked outside. It was a beautiful day, and the went blew gently, balancing out the blazing sun. I took in a deep breath of fresh air, and felt so much better, but I was still anxious.

We had agreed to meet in a public place, and to take a walk. The park we agreed on, I had only been to one other time, and the thought of trying to get their again was shaky. I knew how to get there, the details were just fuzzy. I worried about getting lost, even though I knew I wouldn't.


	6. Impatience

**And How Does That Make You Feel?**

**Rated M for language, sexual content****, and violence****.**

* * *

**Chapter 6: Impatience**

My heart was pounding when I got to the park, and Mr. Hatake was already there, so I had no chance to calm myself down. I awkwardly walked up to him at the park bench, hesitated and then said, "Hey."

"Hey, Ino." He smiled and stood up, "I'm glad you showed up."

"Why wouldn't I?" I felt offended, did he really expect so little?

"You didn't show up once before, remember?"

"Oh..." I felt embarrassed. He had a very valid point, and I overlooked it so carelessly. I had to remember I'm not as clever as I thought I once was. I was losing control, losing willpower, but at the same time, I was harnessing it in a new way. A more insightful way... A more... Imaginative... Oh, my lady parts reminded me that I still had a huge distraction. I tried my best to push these thoughts away, because I wanted to get to know Mr. Hatake. "I guess you're right," I felt my cheeks turn pink.

"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, and if I did, I'm sorry." When he apologized, I realized he was being careful.

"No, you're right, Mr. Hatake." I reached out to touch him, but stopped midway, "I have been pretty irresponsible."

Mr. Hatake looked at my extended arm and said softly, "Are you at least doing your school work?" I imagined him taking my hand, and I wished desperately that he would, but he didn't. My arm started to lower, and he started walking.

I followed him and answered, "I'm trying to keep up with it, I just have no interest."

"School's hard sometimes, but you're a very bright girl, Ino." He smiled at me and I smiled back.

"Why do you have so much faith in me?"

"I think you don't give yourself enough credit."

"How so?"

"You're doing very well, given the circumstances..."

"You mean about Sasuke?"

He nodded lightly, "I can't begin to imagine..."

We were walking out of the park, and I didn't question it, I just kept at his side, walking at the same pace. A nice stable pace. I whispered, "It_ is _hard..."

"I know Ino... That's why I want to be here for you."

"Mr. Hatake?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think it's weird... For me to... Want... After that?" I felt my cheeks burning, and my sex burn even hotter.

He said, patiently, "You'll have to be more specific, Ino."

"I mean, it's just that I feel wrong thinking like that after Sasuke... Ya'know..."

"Sex?" He didn't seemed phased by the word, so I acted like it didn't phas me either.

"Sex." I confirmed, strongly, but still out of place.

"It's not weird... It might feel weird because your first experience is wrong, but that doesn't mean the right scenario isn't out there."

"That makes sense... I just want to feel the right scenario because I need to cover up the wrong one, Mr. Hatake," I felt the anxiety in my chest, I was expressing too much, too fast... But, he was still patiently waiting for me to finish, "I want to know what it's like to be appreciated."

"That's common. And a very healthy approach to your situation. I mean, you'll never be able to 'cover up' your past, but you're right in the sense that you need to move forward."

I nodded, and we walked for a few seconds on silence. I looked up at him, and pleaded with my eyes for him to know what I was thinking. I was trying to will his lips to mine with my mind. My body screamed to be touched, and I heard Sasuke snickering in the back of my mind. I held my breath, but we continued walking. I put my hand to my chest and exhaled, "K-Kakashi." His first name. Personal. A guilty pleasure. For, I said his name multiple times to myself, hushed way down low, and in the darkness of my room, as my fingers played with my parts, when I pretended they were his fingers instead.

"Ino," He sensed something, and stopped walking. I stopped with him, and peered up at him again.

This time, I knew he knew what was on my mind.

"Not here," he stated, "this way." I followed him, no longer at his side, but behind him. My mind raced with possibilities. Where we...? Could we...? Did he really understand what was on my mind? Or was that connect false. Was I wishfully thinking?

"Kakashi," I said again. I caught up with him, "Where are we going?"

He looked at me, "If it's okay... My house."

I nodded, "I'd like that, where do you live?"

* * *

Nervously, I sat down on his couch, and he sat with me. He smiled lightly, "I can turn on the TV, or the radio-"

"Radio."

And, he leaned over, and clicked on some music, but I couldn't concentrate on the noise, just him. I don't know what station was playing, but I foolishly kissed him as he faced me again. It wasn't perfect, far from it. His lips seemed to be paralyzed, and I couldn't bring myself to back down. i held that pose for a good 10 seconds.

I pulled away lightly, briefly, he started to talk, but I stopped him by attempting the kiss again. This time, his lips pushed back against mine, and my heart raced. His hand touched my cheek, and the other one pulled my shoulder toward him. I felt cockeyed, but I slowly let my body melt into his. I pressed my still developing breasts against his chest, and somehow I got on top of him, and my body did the thinking for me. My womanhood twisted with delight, and I was pressing myself hard against something hard. He stopped the kissing, and whispered, "Ino... You have to remember..."

"Your job?" I took in a deep breath, "Kakashi... I know... I know... Please, just... Please..." I couldn't form a coherent thought, my body just wanted to keep pressing up against his. I twisted uncomfortable, and grabbed his hands bravely, "Touch me?" He seemed hesitant, but he placed his hands on my hips.

"Ino..."

"I don't want to talk anymore."

"Ino, we can't tell anyone... Not a single person..."

"I'll only tell my therapist," I said, feeling clever, but Kakashi seemed to be troubled by something. I frowned, and whispered, "Please?"

I knew it must be hard for a grown man to deny such a request, but I had been pining for far too long, and as much as I wanted to be patient, I needed him to touch me.

We were slow, and I it was driving me nuts. He pulled me into his arms, and carried me to his bedroom, my legs wrapped around his hips. I felt so adult, I felt like I was being treated like a woman. I tried so hard to quicken the pace, kissing, grabbing, begging. I wanted to understand what it was like to be naked with the man. I wanted nothing more in my entire life, and he was being so goddamn patient.


End file.
